We All Fall Down
by Out-Of-Control-Authoress
Summary: Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posy, hush-a, hush-a, we all fall down. There's always something to say to being an outcast. Let's shine a little light on the darker thoughts of the Tantei, the outsiders of all three worlds. A series of oneshots.
1. Just Kurama

My little one-shot dedicated to Kurama's inner struggle to live as someone he is not. Chapter one of a four-part series.

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

We All Fall Down

Just Kurama

_Ring around the rosy,_

I sat silently on the windowsill, watching as the stars twinkled leisurely in the sky, a lethargic consistency that was to be expected on a clear night.

My eyes traveled up to the shining moon and back down to the last stragglers of the night as they made their way to their houses on the otherwise deserted streets.

None of them knew, none of them knew.

There was an obliviousness that I always saw in humans. There was always that 'turn the other cheek' method they used to deny all the supernatural occurrences around them. It was simply how they survived: through denial.

I was not privy to this knowledge; the ability to ignore all of the reality around me. I was born aware, terribly aware, of all the evil that lurked amongst us…both in the human and demon worlds.

"Shuichi, are you still awake?"

I sighed, climbing down from the windowsill, "I'm going to bed mother."

I would forever be aware.

_A pocket full of posy,_

"Shuichi-kun, will you help me with this homework? I just don't get it!"

I sighed as the human females flocked around me. They would always flirt to the best of their abilities. They thought it was working, they thought I was considering them as I smiled and helped them with their homework, answering their questions, adding inquiries of my own to know little tidbits of their lives. It would satisfy them, to think that I was flattered by them, that I actually cared.

I didn't.

Regardless of the respect I have gained for humans, I only care for a select few. My views on humanity have not changed so drastically that I have completely integrated into their society as most of my brethren think.

I am more a demon than a human, and that is something I will never forget.

I may look human; I may be big green eyes, long red hair, a pretty face, a beautiful body, but I will never be a human. I will always be ugly on the inside, thinking of sinful things that these human children could never comprehend.

I am alone.

I am one of a kind in my situation. I am a demon, yet not a demon. I am a human, yet not a human. I am not like Yusuke: I do not exist on the plane of in-between.

I simply do not exist on either plane. I do not float in the middle. I simply _am not._

This is the existence I have resigned myself to, and I'm good at it.

_Hush-a, hush-a,_

Hiei is now perched on my windowsill as I sit up in bed, the morning light forcing me to shut my eyes again.

I have no school today, thank the gods.

He wonders why I am acting so odd. I am not acting so different, but he thinks I am off. I told him that there was nothing to worry about.

There isn't, after all.

He asks me why I live under the guise of a human, and I answer him with all truth. He stares at me, unable to understand, unable to relate.

That's fine. He may be my best friend, but he will never be like me. He can't be like me.

When he asks why I stay, when I obviously do not care for humans, I respond without hesitation. I care for those select few: my mother, my step-father, my step-brother, and the humans who are privy to my alter-ego. To the slightly truer me: to the me that does not pretend to be a human or a demon. I care for those who know me as I simply _exist_, as I have _being_, not place.

None of them really see that, but they are more onto me than they think. After all, do they think of me as demon, human, or half-demon? No. When they think of me, they think of me as _Kurama_.

All things categorize by nature. When someone thinks of Hiei, they think _demon_. When someone thinks of Kuwabara, they think _human._ When someone thinks of Yusuke, they think _half-human, half-demon._

When someone thinks of me, they think _Kurama._

That's simply how it is.

I am aware of myself, of my world, of my existence. I am also aware that my world is crashing around me as I slowly find myself in a tug-of-war between the two sides of my being…

…for I cannot simply _exist_ forever in that displaced plane of survival where I have no place at all…I cannot. Eventually I must choose and face the consequences of leaving one side behind.

I can be Youko or I can be Shuichi, but I cannot remain as _Kurama_.

I am aware. I am aware, and that existence that I have resigned myself to, no matter how good I may be at it, cannot last forever.

Nothing lasts forever.

_We all fall down._


	2. Costume Changes

The one-shot dedicated to Kuwabara, the only real human of the Tantei: an outcast within outcasts. Chapter two of a four-part series.

We All Fall Down

Costume Changes

_Ring around the rosy,_

When you think of Kazuma Kuwabara, you see the big, overbearing oaf in blue, right? You see that guy that's always there, not really doing much, or contributing in the background.

I'm always the guy in the background.

Urameshi always got the spotlight. He was always the hero, always the protagonist of our screwed up story. He was the recovering delinquent that could do no wrong anymore, in spite of of his whole tough-as-shit attitude.

Kurama always was the ladies man. Whether or not he wanted to be, he always attracted attention of the female variety. He kind of got the perks of everything_ I_ stood for: the fighter for love. He was the fighter who got all of the love…not that I'm jealous or anything.

The shrimp was the guy that no one could relate to. He was still liked a lot by everyone, even though he was the grump who hated them all. He was the little jerk who thought he was so hard-done to. Well, he used to be, and probably still was a bit, but he neglected to notice the fact that he had people who loved him now. He shunned it instead of revel in it or even appreciate it.

Then there was me. I was always the last man in everything; the last name, the last thought of, the last to win, the last to succeed, the last, last, last. I'm even the last in my own list. I worked so hard, even though I was at a total disadvantage. Even when Urameshi was a human, he still had a one-up on me in fighting. Sure, I never admitted it, but the guy could kick ass and take names like nobody's business. Kurama and Hiei were _demons_, so they automatically one-upped me from the first 'hello.' I had to work harder than all of them to get to that bar just below their standards.

And they criticized me for it.

"Jeez Kuwabara, can't you do a little better?"

"Try to actually win, fool."

"Kuwabara, really now…"

"You do realize he'll be…kicking back?"

I probably sound really petty…resentful and envious, even. I guess that I do kind of sound that way, but can you really blame me? All I'm telling you is the straight truth, because that's exactly the way it is.

_A pocket full of posy,_

I was always doubted. They always pointed out the fact that I was weaker, even Kurama did it, and I always took the route of acting all obnoxious about it. I didn't want them to think that I gave half a crap. That way they'd see how much it was fucking getting to me, and then they'd see me when I _was _weak.

I'm not weak, I'm human. I was the only guy who had to work from square one. So Urameshi won all of the time and I lost…I made my contribution. I was the one that Sensui wanted, and I was the one who saved Yukina.

I was also the one that had to make the toughest damn decision: study for school or go to the tournament?

I stayed for school and made something of myself. Kurama was the natural brains, but I can pull off great grades that I worked for. There's more pleasure in that, when you know that you beat the odds and won it.

I'm the underdog, and I guess that I always will be.

There's nothing wrong with that, is there? Is there? Is there anything wrong with being the guy who worked his ass off to get to that bar, that standard?

I don't care if Urameshi was the hero, if Kurama and Hiei were the guys who always picked up my slack. I was the guy who worked the hardest, no matter what other people will say. I worked for this, and I succeeded.

I'm freaking proud, that's what.

_Hush-a, hush-a,_

I needed to get it all out, you know? I needed to explain the conflicts inside of me that have been eating at me for so long. I just had to get it off of my chest, and I don't care if I sound like a total asshole now that I've done it.

Sometimes you have to be a jerk to get your point across.

I've learned a lot over the time I spent in Koenma's Tantei, and despite being the weakest link, I did some good stuff.

But there's always that aspect of it that bugs me.

In the beginning, it was Kurama and Hiei that held all of the power. They were looked up to, because they were the _demons_, you know? Well I was cool with that, because it was still Urameshi and me. We were still buds – we still are – and we were still the humans that were rising to the occasion and doing some serious butt-kicking.

Both of us were taking names, and I was glad to have someone else to do it with me. Sure, Hiei was always sulking about coming to our rescue when we jumped into a hole too deep to get out of alone, but he was cool with it too, I think. It gave him that sense of belonging, that sense that we all needed to function.

Yusuke was the hero, Kurama was the brains, Hiei was the mysterious power, and Kuwabara was the sidekick.

I hate that word: 'sidekick'. It makes me seem weaker than I am.

Once Yusuke became a demon, I realized that I was going to be left behind again. Now I was the only human; the only guy that didn't get a costume change.

I usually said that as a joke, to make them think that I was fine with it. I was just covering for the fact that I was so selfishly jealous of them that I started to want to be a demon. If I hadn't come out of that mindset, I probably would have gone and gotten myself killed at that Makai tournament.

Everyone seems to think that I'm the weak link, the fool, the goofball, the oaf, the general good guy with two left feet. I was _that guy_ to them, and I'm not _that guy_.

I'm Kazuma Kuwabara. I'm the last to finish the race. I'm the weakest guy. I'm the goof, and I'm the oaf. I'm the human.

I'm the only guy that doesn't get a costume change.

_We all fall down._


	3. Pocket Book

The one-shot dedicated to Hiei, the darkest member of the Tantei. Chapter three of a four part series.

We All Fall Down

Pocket Book

_Ring around the rosy,_

I don't care for the idle feelings the other three have for these humans we so dutifully protect. If I had it my way, I'd have exterminated the entire foul breed.

Humans are what make demons _weak._ Take the fox for example: he let some grimy human woman worm her way into his heart. It made him into a soft, pathetic fool. There's nothing to salvage anymore, that damn fox is too far gone. He even wants to give up demonic life to live as a _human _with a _human _lifespan.

I say he's a fool.

Regardless of my obvious distaste of these mortals, I am sworn and bound to protect their sorry hides. There they are loafing around on their human business, entirely unawares that a demon that despises them is sticking out his neck to keep them safe.

Protecting the weak isn't my style. If I gave a damn about humans, I wouldn't be so hard on the oaf.

Actually, he could possibly be the only semi-useful human there is. He actually can take care of himself. He may be stupid, but at least he's got some sense of self-preservation. I may not respect him, but I can respect that he maintains a certain element of skill.

Other than the fool, I can't say that there's a human that I could ever see myself giving a damn about. Truthfully, I might actually avenge Kuwabara's death should he be murdered by an enemy.

I wouldn't avenge his sister, nor would I avenge the Detective's woman either. Regardless of their importance to my teammates, I couldn't ever make myself want to do anything more than I have to for them.

They're as weak and dependent as all of the other humans.

_A pocket full of posy,_

As I stand upon the crest of a tree just outside of the fox's human community, I feel my stomach drop like a dead weight. I have been pondering this notion for a while, and though I'm loathe to admit it, I have made little progress.

I cannot ever, in my wildest dreams, hope to relate to them. After all, I do not know of these emotions that they all experience. That my teammates experience.

I could go to hell and back and still not ever begin to fathom the ability to _love_. Perhaps I do have the capacity to, but it is buried under a lifetime of instinct, betrayal, and bloodshed.

I may have had the capacity to at some point, but I am almost certain that whatever chance I had at understanding 'love' has already been buried far too much. I cannot dig that deep with my bare hands, and there is no one to provide the proverbial shovel.

Hn.

I shouldn't be indulging myself in this senseless drivel. I am a demon of action, not a demon of _reflection _or _regret_. I regret very little, if anything.

I could say that the only thing that I admit to truly regretting is being what I am for Yukina's sake. My sister, because of my felonious ways, shall never know the identity of her brother. I must stand idly by as she is wooed by an idiot and taught to love by others.

I suppose that love could have been something that she could have taught me. I would not have learned it otherwise, and will not learn it now.

Regardless of what that damn fox says, I can not tell her. I am not allowed. When I had my Jagan implanted, my payment was firmly stated to be that I must never tell her. I suppose that the loophole would be for her to find out herself, or for the fox, the Detective, or the pink annoyance to tell her.

I am unsure if I would feel contempt should one of them do so. I would most likely act enraged, but I would almost certainly feel relieved. Perhaps that would be the best way for her to find out, or perhaps it would be the worst.

It doesn't matter because Yukina, my twin sister, shall never find out her brother's identity. Never.

_Hush-a, hush-a,_

I lay by a stream now, in the Human World wilderness outside of the city that Kurama, Yusuke, and the oaf live in. I am lying lazily in the grass, thinking of that writing utensil and damn wordless book that Kurama gave me. He called it a 'journal', or a 'diary'. He said that it was a private sanctuary for one to write their thoughts in.

When I asked him if he had one, he merely gave me that damn secretive smile of his and turned back to that educational writing of his. Now I begin to wonder if all that he writes at that desk is for that 'school' he insists upon being enrolled into.

It's a foolish waste of time, if you ask me.

Why Kurama insists upon trying to psychoanalyze my mind is beyond me. I don't think I could ever even hope to fathom the underlying reasons behind what the fox does. He is an enigma in of himself, and there is a triple meaning to everything he does or says.

Perhaps I am reading too much into him, perhaps not.

But I also suppose that he has something in trying to get me to write my thoughts down on human paper. Maybe he wants me to understand myself in hindsight. Maybe he wants to unearth those deeply buried positive feelings such as love and kindness and caring. Maybe he thinks that this is good for me.

Maybe he's wrong.

I do not have any need for this kind of therapy. I am fine the way I am. I may not have a purpose in this gory life that I lead, but I am _living_, and that's good enough for me. Simply to be able to watch over my sister is enough to drive me onwards, and to be able to see the end of another battle brings adrenaline and the satiation of the bloodthirsty monster within my veins.

I don't need to understand myself, or my reasoning for anything. Unlike the fox, I am content with simply existing. It's how I've always lived: moment by moment. I do not live by dwelling in hindsight of foresight. It's pointless to live in such a fashion.

And as the flora and fauna existed around me, I found myself sitting up to reach into my pockets and pull out a writing utensil and a small, leather-bound journal.

I opened the pocket book, and with a small, wry smile, I began to write.

_We all fall down._


	4. Team Captain

The last part of the four-part ficlet: a one-shot dedicated to Yusuke Urameshi. He's the detective existing in-between. Chapter four of a four part series.

We All Fall Down

Team Captain

_Ring around the rosy,_

I never asked to become the hero. In fact, I was always pretty good with just being the badass with a cause. I liked living the simple life. I liked waking up in the morning to a drunk-ass mother, going to school, getting kicked out of school, skipping school, and generally getting into shit.

I guess that it was my way of saying "hello world, guess what? I exist, and you're going to kiss my ass."

Yeah.

It was even kind of normal to goof around with Kuwabara. I mean, before we were really tight friends, we were always kind of buds. I mean, we were kind of close through exchanging blows I guess. He was the closest person to me next to Keiko, and if you ask about my mom you'll find a Rei-Gun shoved neatly up your butt.

But, you know, I had to just go ahead and die. I probably would have been fine to just get on with it and move on. After you 'pass on' and come to terms with all of your ghostly haunting needs, you kind of stop existing.

Well, Koenma explained the whole reincarnation thing to me a long time ago, but I wasn't really listening and my memory's not hugely great to being with.

Anyways, I never _wanted_ to be the good guy. I didn't want to be the bad guy by any stretch of the imagination. I was fine with just being a jerk, and I liked that lifestyle. Sure, no one respected me, but they stayed out of my way, so I didn't really care.

But when I became the new Spirit Detective, I began to get a few more morals. Dying kind of does that to you. I guess you can say that coming back to life and saving Kuwabara's cat was when the two of us started to become real close friends.

I guess you could also say that that first mission with Kurama and Hiei was when the beginnings of respect, but not yet friendship, began to develop. I can safely say that Kurama and Hiei had respected me to a certain extent after that mission. Well, maybe Kurama kind of respected the fact that I saved his life and his mom's life with the whole Mirror gag, but I don't think he actually started to consider me an acquaintance until after that first mission.

The four of us began to get real close over the Dark Tournament, though. Kuwabara and I were best buds by then, and Kurama and I were pretty tight too. Hiei was my friend, but we weren't prepared to, you know, die for each other up until the whole Sensui fiasco. Yeah, that mission really sucked.

Actually, becoming Spirit Detective had to be the best and worst thing that ever happened to me.

_A pocket full of posy,_

I owe a lot to Koenma. I know that I saved his ass and his rep a few times, but I really, really owe him a lot. Thanks to him I have three really close friends, a girlfriend, and a wack of people who are close to me. I could even say that I have a sort of family now.

Who'd have thunk it?

I'm not much of a sentimental doofus, like Kuwabara, but I can at least respect the fact that Koenma pretty much smoothed my life for a while. Yeah, there were the mission bumps, but thanks to Koenma, Keiko and I got together.

I always really liked her. I mean, like-liked her. Before I died the first time, I hid my feelings behind skirt-flipping, boob-grabbing, and perverted comments that I made just to get her to pay attention to me. And hell yeah, it worked like a freaking charm.

After I came back to life though, that whole craving her attention thing became more of a territory thing. I always had that aching need to protect her. I don't know if that was my dormant demon blood talking and that whole mate thing or not, and it pretty well could have been. Regardless, it's safe to say that I'm pretty territorial about Keiko.

I can't even remember the last time I got a good look at her panties.

_Hush-a, hush-a,_

Do you think that I was supposed to be the hero? I mean, Kuwabara was definitely more hero material than I was. Kurama's always been that guy who's the brains of the whole operation. Hiei was, of course, the ever-present, always-reluctant anti-hero.

So where do I fit in?

I suppose that I'm that headstrong hero that gets himself into those really hard to get out of messes all the time, but I like to think that there's more fiber to me than that. Especially considering that I'm part demon. I mean, part-demon practically screams half-evil.

Heh.

I didn't plan on being a hero. I still don't plan on claiming to be one. I don't plan on pretending to be perfect or anything either, so don't look forward to it. Most of the stuff that I've done has been for either my friends or for me.

I don't think that I could ever see myself going out of my way to save some random guy from something, unless the demon was affecting people that I care about. That's just the way I function.

Maybe that's a bad way of acting out this hero role I've been given, but I couldn't give less of a crap.

I'm a tough-ass punk. Remember the name, got it? I'm not perfect; I'm a high school drop-out. I'm not a nice guy; I'm a jerk. I don't jump at every chance to save the world, and I don't plan to put on tights or wear a mask.

I'm Yusuke Urameshi, and I'm not the hero; I'm the team captain.

_We all fall down._


End file.
